Reid Has Swoop Ask McNabb To Shut Door, Draft Was Getting In

Swoop is allegedly the Eagles' mascot

While studying film of the Arizona Cardinal defense earlier this afternoon, Andy Reid was chilled to the bone and noticed that the door to his office was open.  Reid then spotted 10 year veteran Donovan McNabb standing outside studying his playbook. 

Unable to any longer communicate directly with McNabb , Reid began to slam his foot to attract his attention.  When it became clear that this wasn’t working, Reid began to try to make that whistle noise with a blade of grass.  Reid quickly realized he had never mastered the art and began looking through his Rolodex to find someone who would approach McNabb for him.  After reaching several voice-mails, Reid eventually contacted mascot Swoop who arrived and performed a lame jig while flapping his wings towards the door. 

McNabb eventually closed the door on his own accord, never quite figuring out what Swoop was trying to tell him or who Swoop was. 

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So You’re Telling Me There’s a Chance

The Eagles playoff chances are more like 1 in a million

The Eagles are preparing for their final push for the playoffs.   Although the Eagles under Reid and McNabb have been the Symbol of Mediocrity with a 29-29-1 record since their 2004 Super Bowl season and haven’t won more than 3 games in a row since 2004, that playoff feeling is in the air at the NovaCare Complex.  Sitting pretty at 5-5-1, only 2.5 games out of the NFC wildcard with 5 games left, 3 of which are against NFC East foes that the Eagles already lost to this year, Eagles fans everywhere are gearing up for the run.   In most oblivious fashion, Joe Banner stated “It will be a sellout,” referring to this week’s game versus the Arizona Cardinals.   Technically Mr Banner is correct, however, ticket brokers throughout the Delaware Valley haven’t seen Eagles ticket sales like this in years.  According to many on-line ticket brockerages, Eagles tickets are currently selling for about 50% of their face value for Thanksgiving Night.  The Eagles organization has requested that all fans in attendance wear black for an “Eagles Blackout.”  However, if the Eagles organization doesn’t come to its senses soon, they may soon start to see the other kind of blackout.

Joe Banner says “How Hard Can It Be To Get This Offense Going?”

LJ demonstrates his blocking technique

In yet another cost saving move by the Eagles front office, the self proclaimed “gold standard”, Joe Banner, will take over as the offensive coordinator this week.  Marty Mornigwheg will coach the special teams.  In an interesting twist,  Rory Segrist , the Eagles’ Special Teams coach, was asked to take an unpaid leave given the current financial crisis that the Eagles’ are enduring this year.  It should be noted that the Eagles are only 10 million under the cap this year versus 16 million last year. Given how the organization operates, John Harbaugh, Segrist’s former boss, was asked by Eagles brass to notify Segrist that he would be on an unpaid leave this week.

Banner sees this as an opportunity to get out of the luxury box and to mingle with the common folk.  Unfortunately, just as Mornigwheg before him, Coach Reid will maintain his play-calling duties leaving Banner, like many other Eagles, unsure of what his role will be.  Banner applauded Andy Reid for his skill in talent evaluation by stating, “we have signed and started more undrafted free agents than any team in the NFL during Coach Reid’s tenure.”  In fact, Coach Reid appears to have more luck with undrafted free agents than in the first or second round of the draft.  As a result, the Eagles are said to be seriously considering trading all of their draft picks in this year’s draft for future picks.  It’s sort of like what the Saints did to get Ricky Williams, only the complete opposite.  When asked about this, Tom Heckert so eloquently stated, “Why would we change our strategy.  First round picks are expensive and we feel that we can get first round talent in the second round at a second round salary.”  Banner and Heckert then shared a hi-five.

Reid Reveals Two-Headed Quarterback Strategy, Calls It Wilder Cats

McNabb mentors Kolb, suggests he never learn 2 minute offense

Coach Reid quelled any doubt as to who would start against the Cardinals on Thursday when he announced that Donovan McNabb would resume his role as starter.  He then insisted that Kevin Kolb would also be on the field for every offensive snap. 

When questioned whether this was legal / a good idea, Reid said, “I just have to do a better job of putting my guys in a position to succeed, often the positions I put them in are unnatural to their traditional roles and make it much easier to stop our one dimensional offense.”

When informed of Reid’s decision, McNabb clapped ( it was uncertain whether he was being supportive or sarcastic) and said, “Coach knows best, that’s why I’m not the coach.  I just hope to play a few downs at center.”

Reid said he wasn’t exactly sure how he would rotate the two but insisted neither would play fullback.  That role was awarded to tight end LJ Smith.

Reid also hinted that Mcnabb and Kolb may play with one standing on the other’s shoulders, wearing a #45 jersey that reads “McKolb” 

Eagles Safety Considine Accidentally Plays with Starters

A play unfolds several yards downfield as Considine tackles air

Philadelphia Eagles special teams stalwart Sean Considine shocked the crowd at M & T Bank Stadium when he was on the field during a crucial goal line stand.

Considine was just as surprised as the fans, saying “When Coach Johnson told me to get in there, I thought we were down by way more than three points.”

Sean performed as expected and allowed Raven’s rookie Joe Flacco to throw a touchdown to Daniel Wilcox when he kind of fell on the ground.

When asked about losing his balance in the most futile displays of defense, Considine replied, “I just went out there and did my job.  Coach Reid keeps me on this roster to go out there and allow the big play and I did just that.  There is no way I’d start on another NFL team and I am thankful to be here.”

The Eagles front office is also sending tape of Considine’s later hit to the head of Flacco that went unpenalized to Commissioner Goodell.

Jim Johnson had this to say: “We just want to make sure that we as an organization are doing our part to stay in the basement of the NFC East.”