Archive for May, 2009


May 21, 2009

With yet another early exit still fresh in their minds, Stefanski and the front office have begun to interview anyone and everyone that has ever coached organized basketball.   Here’s a list of coaches that have been interviewed so far:

Eddie Jordan – assistant during Stefanski’s time in New Jersey, head coach of the Wizards (the best basketball squadron ever assembled) and boasts a career record of 230-288. He won a championship when he was on the 1982 Lakers so I guess that means he can knows what it feels like to get past the second round of the playoffs?

The Verdict: Stefanski might hire him because they’ve worked together and he’s still under contract with the Wizards and is owed like $4 million so maybe he’d just coach for the love of mediocre basketball.   Maybe Eddie Jordan was just sick of all the fat cats in DC and all the politics of ah coaching and um, he kind of sucks. 

Now with 100% more skull!

Now with 38% more skull!

Tom Thibodeau –  Coached under John Lucas for the Sixers (yay?), “Defensive specialist”.  I honestly know nothing about him except that he looks like Seth Meyers with extra head added.  People also  seem to think he created the concept of defense in sports.

The Verdict: If this guy did in fact invent defense, they should probably hire him.  Teams would score a lot of points without his creation.

Kurt Rambis – Hey remember this guy from the Lakers in the 80s?  He was hi-lar-ious!  Rec Specs more like Yes Specs!   As in, yes they are very funny.   Rambis has been an assistant coach in LA for a few years now and seems ready to take over a team.

The Verdict: Rambis played a basketball coach on an episode of Seventh Heaven and appeared in Married With Children?   Ed Snider, are you reading this?  Obviously you are.  Hire this superstar. 

He seems like a nice man

He seems like a nice man

Dwayne Casey – An assistant coach for the Mavericks and former head coach of the Twolves (after Kevin McHale) where he compiled a 43-59 record.

The Verdict: Who?  No seriously, who is this human being?  The Sixers will obviously hire him.

Now that we’ve gotten the actual candidates out of the way, here are my suggestions:

Allen Iverson – Many Sixers fans fondly remember Iverson and his incredibly overated career.   Let’s bring him back and allow him to immediately ban practicing (Practice?!?! Remember that!).  Only assholes like Tim Duncan and Lebron James actually try to improve at basketball!   The team would also stop playing defense and shoot constantly but at least they’d be referred to as “scrappy.”  They would also have one offensive play, which would be an iso for Lou Williams, who would average at least 50 attempts per game.



The Chief from Carmen Sandiego – Her no nonsense approach would pay immediate dividends for the Sixer’s young core.  The Chief would have little patience for Dalembert’s mental lapses and could prove to be invaluable in the continuing maturation of Mareese Speights.  Theo Ratliff could also learn where Laos is located on a map.

Hip Hop –  Hey, people referred to Pat Croce as a mascot so why not hire the literal mascot?  He could coach this team to lose in the first round of the East for eternity and if the NBA ever switched over to Slamball, they’d have the ideal trampo-dunk instructor.