Archive for September, 2009

Bob Ford, American Humorist

September 22, 2009

FORD-sm1Move over Jeff Dunham, Inquirer sports reporter Bob Ford is busting out his comedy chops!

Ford’s comedic odyssey hit the internet earlier this afternoon on his Post Patterns blog.

Knowing the average Philadelphia sports fan is tired of generic old NFL power rankings, Ford decided to write his in the voice of the recently incarcerated Plaxico Burress.

Ford successfully strikes a delicate balance between creating something entirely devoid of jokes yet full of “blackspeak”.

Here’s a a sampler platter of our modern day Mark Twain and my attempt to dissect the layered humor:

2. Pittsburgh Steelers — Lost to the Bears, but it’ll be a while before they lose again. Like Week 12 in Baltimore? Hope I got TV privileges for that one.

-Plaxico Burress’s main concern will be watching Steelers games while in prison, not his pregnant wife or getting out of prison.

6. Indianapolis Colts — The dude that waves his hands around caught up with some cat named Unitas. Beats me, too.

-Why would Plaxico Burress have heard of Johnny Unitas?  He was probably too busy shooting himself and being black.

10. Minnesota Vikings — Give the ball to Purple Jesus and get out of the damn way.
-Did Adrian Peterson start a cult?  Someone should tell the government, if they up take arms, this could have a tragic ending.

13. New York Jets — J-E-T-S, Jets. I might beleive, but not quite Y-E-T, yet.
-Get this man a Pulitzer.

15. Houston Texans — All gun, no bullets, as we say in the club.

-No one has ever said this in the history of clubs.

16. Green Bay Packers — Cheese puffs. I just see me some Cheese puffs

-Notice the employment of the informal “me”, what an ear for dialogue.

28. Tampa Bay Bucs — Guess Grudoggie Dog wasn’t the problem, check?

-Is this a Snoop Dogg reference?  Check?

32. St. Louis Rams — Can’t score in women’s prison with a pack of cigarettes.

-Women fuck each other for cigarettes in prison

Bob might want to team up with Joe Conklin and record a funny song.  May I suggest “Plaxy’s Got A Gun”, sign Steven Tyler up, he’s also unintentionally hilarious.

plax tom wolfe

Check back next week for Ford’s satire of the Donte Stallworth murder.

NFL Predictions: NFC West

September 11, 2009

nfc2


NFC West: More Like NFC Lesst (How are all four of these teams in a professional sport?)

1. Seattle Seahawks – Really?  You try doing this, it’s painful.  Hasselbeck maybe won’t get hurt and they got Houshmandzadeh so that’s progress.  Really, this division comes down to who sucks the least and theoretically that could be Seattle.  This could easily be any of these teams.  Jim Mora is also coaching them so if things turn south, expect Mora to flee to coach Bowling Green but openly deny it for months.

This particular mosquito is actually younger than Warner

2. Arizona Cardinals – Super Bowl Schmangover……they might not be very good.  Warner is like mosquito-in-amber old.  Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower may finally equal one real running back, maybe.  They’re going to give up a lot of points.  Matt Leinart may have to actually play football, which would interrupt him skype-ing intoESPN shows to talk about how much he loves USC.

3. St. Louis Rams – Spags will have them playing better D but Marc Bulger is one concussion away from not being able to complete sentences.  At least Kyle Boller is their backup, foolproof plan there. Stephen Jackson may lose a limb (limbs include dreadlocks for Jackson) with the workload they’ll expect him to carry.

4. San Francisco 49ers – Michael Crabtree is less likable than Jay Cutler and that’s saying a lot.  During Week 3 at Minnesota, Coach Singletary will lose his mind and suit up after cutting Patrick Willis (the best player on the team) when Vernon Davis misses several blocks.

Singletary moments after leaning how much money Alex Smith is making

Singletary moments after leaning how much money Alex Smith is making

NFL Predictions: NFC North (0% Accuracy Guaranteed)

September 11, 2009

Are you ready for some predictions?!?!

Tonight the Steelers and Titans kick off the 2009 season.  Following an incredibly bizarre offseason, it’s really difficult to predict anything but I’m going to try!  Really hard!

Let’s start in the top of our land:

nfc2

NFC North: Favre Out (Actually Favre is in but I think “Far Out” is a cool saying)

1. Minnesota Vikings – Favre will inevitably get hurt or is already (Viking might want to check for a torn bicep muscle, the ability to throw a football is slightly important for your starting QB).  The running game and defense will make up for the gunslinger of interceptions.

2. Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers will have a statistically superior season to Brett Favre (take that Vegas!)  but the defense  will be an issue.   Al Harris is still starting on this team, yikes stripes, fruit striped gum.

Tastes just like ill-timed penalties!

Tastes just like ill-timed penalties!

3. Chicago Bears – The world’s favorite complainer/haver of questionable blood-sugar levels is a definite upgrade.  Matt Forte is really good.  Brian Urlacher ain’t getting younger (at least I don’t think so, I can’t definitively say, if he discovered the fountain of youth, these guys will win the Super Bowl unless they drink too much and become babies….)  Still trying to convince me that Devin Hester is a stud wide receiver because he “runs crisp routes” eh?

4. Detroit Lions – Kevin Smith is decent (and looks remarkably happy to be alive in his profile photo).  The defense has people I’ve heard of on it, they should win at least one football match.

Kevin Smith's fourth grade class picture

Kevin Smith's fourth grade class picture