Archive for January, 2010

NFC Championship Preview

January 22, 2010

While Reno Mahe does not have a favorite in this year’s NFC Championship, we are incredibly excited this year’s Vikings inspired Minneapolis native and space alien Prince to record the following very “uplifting” (=misguided/creepy) “fight song”.

Two things to keep in mind:

1. If Childress wins this weekend, he’ll be as successful as Reid

2. This song will provide zero inspiration to anyone involved with the Vikings though they may qualify as a religion if they adopt it (it’s very church-y).


{Ed. Note: Prince has in fact seen a football game before}


Mets Not Dead Yet

January 22, 2010

The Mets lost the Joel Pineiro sweepstakes but are still determined to remain slightly competitive.

Following Carlos Beltran’s super secret, possibly illegal surgery, the Mets were stuck with Angel Pagan in center and realized that might not be a great idea.  The Wilpons, desperate to have another past his prime player, shocked no one when they signed Gary Matthews Jr. earlier today.

The Angels even agreed to pay “most of the two years and $23 million remaining on Matthews’ contract with the Angels.”

Expect the Mets to sign Matthews to a 6 year $114 million extension.

Don't bury them just yet, Jim Edmonds is still out there!

Phillies Sign Brandon Duckworth To Minor League Dry Wall Contract

January 19, 2010

The Phillies signed former starting pitcher Brandon Duckworth to a minor-league contract last week.

Duckworth hasn’t pitched in the majors since 2008.  He will provide minor league depth and also lend a hand in renovating the Amaro’s  vacation home in Naples, Florida.

When reached for comment, Duckworth said, “I just wanted to play and spackle for a winner.”

Duckworth could be an invaluable veteran presence in the minors and comes much cheaper than local Florida contractors.

Duckworth is thrilled to strike out a pest infestation in the Amaro home

Philadelphia “Celebrates” “Soccer” “Draft”

January 15, 2010

Chester, or the “Cradle of Soccer” as the Phoenicians called it, will host the MLS’s newest franchise The Philadelphia Union.

Union narrowly edged out Arson and Crumbling Educational System in a voter poll.

According to this article, the Union’s first MLS draft thrilled fans.

With the first pick in the draft, the Union selected Danny Mwanga.

Welcome to Philadelphia Danny, I look forward to following your career with the same enthusiasm I hold for professional poker and local triathlons.

These guys

Philadelphia residents beware, zombie soccer fans are running rampant, trying to make you care about soccer!

Breaking-er News: Eagles Fire People

January 14, 2010

Earlier today, the Eagles announced the firing of special teams coordinator Ted Daisher and strength and conditioning coach Mike Wolf.

After an underwhelming year and a carousel of kick returners, this isn’t shocking.  Reid seemed visibly pissed in the regular season finale when the special teams had to burn a time out for not having enough men on the field, thus marking the first time in NFL history the Eagles were unprepared and to burn a timeout (scientific fact).

Hopefully this ushers in a new era of accountability (for everyone besides Reid).

Daisher will be replaced by Buffalo special teams coordinator Bobby April.  Buffalo has had very good special teams the past few years and with a name like Bobby April, we can only assume he is either a cartoon gangster or cast member of Jersey Boys.

If Sav Rocca isn't more consistent, he'll be sleeping with fishes...on the bench, assuming they have fish on the bench and Sav Rocca is allowed to sleep on the sidelines

Lidge “Upbeat After Surgery”

January 14, 2010

Breaking news: Brad Lidge’s agent Rex Gary (a real person)  reports Brad is very upbeat after his recent knee surgery.

Good to know Lidge is not depressed after surgery or dead.

Also thank you Brad Lidge for not getting super secret Carlos Beltran surgery.

Besides, pitcher’s don’t throw with their knees, I’m sure this nagging injury won’t raise his ERA a point above 7.21 next year……

Lidge elated to get multiple knee surgeries

Posts To Resume Shortly

January 14, 2010

In his defense, it looks like the computer is attacking him

I spent the last 4 months painstakingly creating this image instead of sharing my profound thoughts on Philly sports, now that I finished my masterpiece expect daily-ish updates.   Luckily not that much happened.