Archive for February, 2010

Canada’s Angels

February 26, 2010

  Move over, Rae Dawn Chong and Cory Haim.  Please take a step back Howie Mandel and Rick Moranis.  Canada’s femme fatales have stolen the spotlight of these 2010 Olympic games.  While curling was the talk of the games, particularly the skip of the Canadian Women’s Curling team, Cheryl Bernard (“the Curlgar”), it has been another Canadian team that has since stolen the spotlight.  

Is that a Coors Light in her hand? I guess Canada has annexed Colorado.

The ladies on ice from Canada won a gold medal besting the best America could offer.  As i was sipping Lambrusco with Jason Priestly last night in Vancouver, you could see Canadian pride in his eyes.  Yes, folks, Canadians really love their women’s hockey.  Many Canadians, like Alan Thicke, were so embarrassed that the “other” Canadian hockey team lost to the Americans, that they have thrown their loyalty behind the New “Canada’s team.”  To repay the Canadian faithful who have come to cheer them more than socialized medicine and the Royal Mounted Police, the Canadians Women’s Hockey Team blew the doors off of the IOC establishment last night.  Members of the team smoked cigars, drank beer, and poured champagne in each other mouths.  This is starting to sound like a late-night USA flick, starring another of Canada’s daughters, Shannon Tweed.  It was a joy to watch as its not often you see sweaty women in full hockey gear, minus the helmet, smoking cigars and pouring champagne all over each other.  I speak for the men in Canada, and in this case the world, when i say: ” I salute thee, daughters of Canada.”


Ken Burns Presents: The 2010 Phillies

February 25, 2010

If this series of photos is any indication, the Phillies are ready for the battle of Antietam.

Double check Moyer’s birth certificate to make sure he isn’t actually William Tecumseh Sherman.

Jayson Werth is the CEO of beards

Eagles Release Westbrook

February 23, 2010

The Eagles have shown a decisive lack of sentimentality when making football decisions so the news of Brian Westbrook’s release comes as no surprise.

Westbrook’s numerous concussions and sharp decline on the field were telltale signs that Westbrook’s career was nearing its end.

This has a different resonance than the Dawkins situation did last year, Westbrook was sadly becoming a liability on the field and you feared for his well being every time he was on the field.

The fact that this occurred a day after the Chargers releasing LT hammers home the very small window NFL running backs have.

The only silver lining is they could bring back Reno!  I’m sure he could take time off from his busy real estate career to carry the ball 10 times in the upcoming season.

Eagles gave Westbrook the Old Yeller treatment, this is a good opportunity to teach your children about death.

Park Signs With Yankees

February 22, 2010

Chan Ho Park signed with the Yankees over the weekend for less than the Phillies offered.

Park had a great year after moving to the bullpen but still strangely insisted on starting.

From South Korea, Park said, “I have chosen the Yankees, a prestigious team that can advance to the World Series again.

We can only assume the Yankees took Park to the Times Square Bubba Gump Shrimp in a limo with the magician movie The Prestige playing.  Because that my friends is the very definition of prestigious.

Here’s hoping ridding themselves of Park will have an Abreu-esque effect.  The Abreu Effect would translate into the Phillies winning the World Series, the Yankees losing during the playoffs and Chan Ho Park having a weird resurgence with hollow numbers.

The Abreu Effect is among the greatest mysteries of humanity

Mets Already Talking

February 19, 2010

Mets ace Johan Santana fired the first salvo of the 2010 season yesterday.

When asked to name the best pitcher in the NL East, he replied, “Santana.”

Santana continued, “Smooth is perfect, Roy Halladay wishes he could write such an infectious pop song.”

Johan was undeterred after learning the Mets hadn’t actually signed Carlos Santana. He resumed listening to Smooth on his Microsoft Zune and then tore his rotator cuff and larynx viciously playing air guitar and screaming the lyrics.

The Mets’ anthem:

Stefanski Standing Pat

February 18, 2010

Hmmm, how could we suck even more?

According to multiple sources, the Sixers don’t anticipate making any huge deals before the 3PM deadline.

“Standing Pat” is what Pat Gillick did and Ed Stefanski should apologize for comparing himself to a competent/savvy Hall of Fame GM.

Even in doing nothing, Stefanski is still doing the wrong thing unless the key to NBA success is a low shooting percentage swingman forced to play the 2 and an effective rebounder and shot blocker who can’t play offense.

UPDATE: The Sixers are in the market for a “legitimate NBA shooting guard.”

I thought we were still pretending Allen Iverson was one of those?

They still need a point guard too, is Bobby Hurley out there?

Maybe Stefanski is playing possum on all of us and will blow our minds at 2:59 by packaging Iguodala, Dalembert, and Brand for the expiring contracts of Keith Van Horn, Oscar Robertson, and Hank Gathers.

UPDATE: Sixers Think They Have Talent

February 17, 2010

Kate Fagan posted an alleged trade scenario which had the Rockets offering McGrady’s expiring contract and Chase Budinger for Iguodala and Dalembert.

The Sixers, who have seemingly retired to their Hitler bunker after a near 30 point loss to the Heat earlier tonight, were not interested.

Stefanski had this to say: “We’re very active and a lot of teams are looking for us to do financial deals, to send back expiring contracts and we want to improve the product on the court.”

Stefanski’s “product” seemingly will continue to include the NBA’s 37th leading scorer:

Let this be a lesson, be 37th best at something and shoot 43% and you can be the untouchable face of a franchise!

Where’s The Fire Sale?

February 17, 2010

As Thursday’s NBA trade deadline approaches, there’s finally a reason to talk about the Sixers!

We’d love to see a fire sale considering there are no building blocks.  Young core?  Thaddeus Young has regressed, Marreese Speights and Lou Williams are allergic to defense but there’s always Royal Ivey.

Rebuild around Ivey and Primoz Brezec!

There’s nothing like blowing the whole thing up to escape the void of mediocrity the Sixers seem to find more comfortable than a pair of stained sweatpants.

Then we read this.

Ed Stefasnki will only make a move that makes “basketball sense.”

So no to Tracy McGrady’s expiring contract or Amare Stoudemire.   Stefanski would have to admit he’s made a chain reaction of decisions that make less sense than and were worse the movie Chain Reaction.

There is no other way in the NBA to get better than completely suck for awhile and either sign a slam dunk free agent a la Garnett or draft LeBron James.

The Sixers front office are the anti-Phillies.  Every move they make is the absolute worst.

They have succeeded in making professional basketball obsolete in Philadelphia:

The new Sixers marketing campaign should be:

We can barely trick 500 more people than the Nets to attend our home games!  PRINCETON OFFENSE 4EVER!

Stephen A. Smith Collects Another Paycheck

February 11, 2010

If you didn’t read the internet papers today, you may have missed Stephen A. Smith’s latest oeuvre.

Stephen’s argument boils down to:


He also offers this bulletproof argument:

McNabb, for all his flaws, is still one of the best quarterbacks in the game. He’s still a playmaker, someone opposing defenses have to plan to stop. Let Celek say what he will about Kolb’s potential. But talk to me once Kolb becomes a No. 1 option someday.

Maybe I’ll care.


Stephen doesn’t need to substantiate anything.  There’s also no reason for him to shed any light on what exactly McNabb’s flaws are.  The burning question remains, exactly what would make Stephen A. Smith care?

If you ask, I’m sure Stephen A. would yell the answer at you.

Lane Kiffin Recruits Child

February 5, 2010

USC’s Lane Kiffin out-recruited the nation by getting a verbal commitment from a 13-year-old.

Delaware native David Sills is currently working with Steve Clarkson, who also mentored Matt Barkley.

Clarkson offered Kiffin the following assessment:

“He’s already six feet as a 13-year old,” Clarkson said. “And he’s breaking down NFL footage.”

“You might call me crazy, but you’ve known me a long time, right? And when I said if there was going to be a LeBron James of football it’d be Jimmy Clausen that turned out to be a pretty good prediction.”

Did that turn out to be a good prediction Steve Clarkson?  It did not.  I imagine Clarkson also called Anthony Morelli the next Pele.

Judge for yourself:

If we’re judging Sills based on music selection, the kid will win thousands of Super Bowls.

Kiffin has now set his target on negative 6 month old Chris Jones from North Carolina:

Jones has a really high ceiling