Author Archive

Stephen A. Manufactures Racism

June 11, 2010

Stephen A. continues to tarnish his legacy (?) of being an inoffensive, slightly amusing blowhard with his latest column.

Here’s a quick synopsis: The Washington Nationals’ first overall pick and uber prospect Bryce Harper, his parents, and white athletes get a free pass when they decide to bypass college to become a professional athlete. Black athletes like Lebron, Kobe, and Kevin Garnett are vilified for doing the same.

I definitely remember the time white Americans rioted when Kobe Bryant entered the draft out of high school. What a black eye/definitely racist moment in our nation’s history.

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Hey Look, We Lost Another One

June 10, 2010

Well we’re back to being Philadelphia. It was fun while it lasted but we should have known better.

It ended in silence. No alarms or fanfare, Patrick Kane beat Leighton after the Flyers failed to capitalize on several scoring opportunities.

I would love to see them move Jeff Carter and hope Hartnell’s play wasn’t an aberration. Mike Richards might want to realize its the Stanley Cup Finals next time.

Ville Leino is really, really good.

I’ll leave you with this ode to the 2009-2010 Flyers:

Blackhawks’ Other Choices

June 6, 2010

The Blackhawks play a song from 2006 after they score a goal and win home games.  You’re now very familiar with it, especially when they score 25 goals like they did last night.

“Chelsea Dagger” by The Fratellis was not their first choice though.

They first used “Photograph” by Nickelback.

So after every Patrick Kane goal you would hear:

When they heard an arena of fans sing the chorus “Look at this photograph!,” they stopped using it.  This after they attempted to change the lyrics to the “hockey friendly” Look at this photo-goal!

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Stephen A. Smith Is A Miserable Person

June 3, 2010

Stephen A. Smith hates Philadelphia.  No, he really does.  In a Sartre-esque twist, writing about Philadelphia sports for the Philadelphia Inquirer is the only work Stephen A. Smith can get.

Hell is being forced to write about the Sixers and Eagles.

Smith’s latest phoned in column accuses Philadelphia of hating Kobe Bryant.

Do we hate Kobe?

Of course we do.  If you didn’t notice, he’s kind of an enormous dick.

Stephen A. continues to chum the water by making statements like:

You would think with such lofty credentials there would be a statue standing somewhere, on some street corner, perhaps near City Hall, paying homage to Kobe Bryant – the greatest champion to ever come out of a place known for its associations with anything but.

OK?  Make sure to put it next to the statue of Kevin Eubanks.

More  Stephen A. Logic:

Those same folks would rather point to the fact that Bryant was raised in Italy during his formative years instead of recalling that he was born in Philadelphia. They’d rather question his street credibility because he starred in the suburbs of Lower Merion than appreciate how his game transcended the streets.

Screw Kobe and the fact that he didn’t live in the greater Philadelphia area for all of his formative years!  He cannot call himself a true Pennsylvanian!
I do question Bryant’s street credibility constantly.  I only respect basketball players who were homeless and literally raised by an inner city street.   And can you believe he’s never been shot with a gun?  Some kind of basketballer he is!
So we boo Kobe Bryant, who cares?  Sorry we can’t all be such stalwarts of appreciation and sportsmanship, Stephen.
We don’t like losing championships.  Especially to dicks like Kobe.
We also like our hearts and would rather not have them cut out.




Phillies Watch Gran Tarino, Are Terrible

June 3, 2010

The Phillies are in the middle of a horrendous tailspin and don’t seem very concerned about it.

Hours before yesterday’s loss to Atlanta, Charlie Manuel found his team watching Gran Torino.

“What the hell?” Manuel said. “We should be getting ready for the damn game.”

Manuel then added, “Let’s at least watch Unforgiven or something.  If I wanted a morality tale, I’d go to church. I bet they loved Crash too, especially Dobbs.  He seems stupid.”

Stephen A. Smith Yell-Writes Again

March 25, 2010

I opened the internet papers (or I-papes) this morning to see if there were any updates on the rumored McNabb trade and found the latest Stephen A. diatribe.   If you don’t want to damage your eyes/ears by reading it, Stephen thinks the Eagles treatment of McNabb has been “disgraceful.”

Smith says, “It’s fine that the Eagles are contemplating moving on. But McNabb’s failures are connected at the hip with Reid’s. They were supposed to be in this together. But the way the Eagles have conducted this process lacks so much sensitivity, it’s offensive to hear Reid say, “We’re evaluating things,” as if Reid shouldn’t evaluate himself.

Of course Reid should evaluate himself and his well documented deficiencies but after receiving a contract extension, Reid ain’t going to fire himself.  Per Smith, Reid and McNabb should The Hours-style Virginia Woolf themselves together (translation: put large rocks in their pockets and sink into a river, preferably while not knowing how much time is left in a game).

The irony of the situation is the Eagles may have shot themselves in the foot by overvaluing all their quarterbacks, including McNabb.

But not according to Smith:

Instead, they are considering throwing McNabb and his 32,873 career passing yards out like trash.

Word has it Reid is  going to throw over 30,000 yards of twine into a garbage can to symbolize McNabb’s failure. 

McNabb has not been perfect, to be sure. Too many throws have been too low, too high or too hard. He hasn’t always come through under pressure. But there’s something to be said for getting the Eagles in position, for keeping them relevant, for being class personified along the way.

So Smith admits McNabb’s flaws but demands the Eagles not trade him because he’s won several “relevant” and “classy guy” awards for the organization.  McNabb by all accounts seems like a decent human and there’s no grave dancing here if he’s traded but he’s had over ten years to accomplish something he didn’t.

It’s unconscionable, classless, weak – and too ridiculous for McNabb to deal with any longer.

It is indeed unconscionable to trade a quarterback in the NFL, it’s literally never happened before.   McNabb should be quarterback for life.  His good guy-ness should allow him to start until he chooses to retire or dies, Supreme Court style.

More Like Dumb-phy

March 19, 2010

Temple coach Fran Dunphy added yet another Tournament loss to his less than stellar post-season record with a 13 point loss to Cornell.

The Big Five has become a Small One.  Yea that was horrible.

Here’s a synopgifs:

gif maker
Gif maker

Mildcats

March 19, 2010

Nova’s less than spectacular first round performance led many people to question Jay Wright’s decision to discipline Scottie Reynolds and Corey Fisher for unspecified infractions (our guess: murder).

Wright narrowly escaped morphing into Lappas when Nova was bailed out by the performance of  Mouphtaou Yarou and  Reynolds getting fouled a lot.

Here’s a gif synopsis, a synopgifs:

gif maker
Gif maker

SI’s GM Rankings

March 5, 2010

SI’s Tim Marchman posted this gem earlier today.

In his ranking of MLB GM’s, he has three AL East teams in the top four.  Tampa Bay’s Andrew Friedman is pretty good at what he does and has reached the postseason approximately once.  Epstein and Cashman have the benefit of Scrooge McDuck vaults to spend.  I could be as good as Cashman at my job if I had unlimited resources and the ability to sign Sabathia, Burnett, and Teixeira in the same off-season.  Anything less than a World Series victory would have been an embarrassment.

I immediately discredit any ranking that features Billy Beane in the top 10.  This isn’t 2007 anymore, the A’s have sucked for a few years now.

Ruben Amaro Jr. comes in a distant 19th.  Admittedly he doesn’t have a complete body of work from which to judge and the Ibanez signing could, as soon as this year, be proven a questionable move but Marchman had this to say:

I honestly have no idea how to rate Amaro. One pennant in one year is a nice record, and having landed two of baseball’s five best pitchers — Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee — in trade within a few months is even better given that these were moves he alone gets credit for. On the other hand the truly strange trade sending Lee to Seattle and the odd, if so far successful, decision to sign 37-year-old designated hitter-masquerading-as-an-outfielder Raul Ibanez to a long-term contract have to count heavily against him.

How exactly does it count heavily against him?  I can only assume Epstein or Cashman would have been lauded as geniuses for getting such a dominant half season out of an aging outfielder.  Too bad we didn’t sign Milton Bradley to lose his mind and call us all racist, like the “16th best GM” Jim Hendry.

Marchman has also fallen under the Mariners’ spell, ranking second year GM Jack Zduriencik the fifth best in baseball.   A light hitting, defensive minded lineup with a great 1-2 and no other pitchers is a foolproof formula for American League success!

Placido Polanco hits for average and Jose Contreras will be adequate!

Ken Burns Presents: The 2010 Phillies

February 25, 2010

If this series of photos is any indication, the Phillies are ready for the battle of Antietam.

Double check Moyer’s birth certificate to make sure he isn’t actually William Tecumseh Sherman.

Jayson Werth is the CEO of beards