Archive for the ‘eagles’ Category

Eagles Release Westbrook

February 23, 2010

The Eagles have shown a decisive lack of sentimentality when making football decisions so the news of Brian Westbrook’s release comes as no surprise.

Westbrook’s numerous concussions and sharp decline on the field were telltale signs that Westbrook’s career was nearing its end.

This has a different resonance than the Dawkins situation did last year, Westbrook was sadly becoming a liability on the field and you feared for his well being every time he was on the field.

The fact that this occurred a day after the Chargers releasing LT hammers home the very small window NFL running backs have.

The only silver lining is they could bring back Reno!  I’m sure he could take time off from his busy real estate career to carry the ball 10 times in the upcoming season.

Eagles gave Westbrook the Old Yeller treatment, this is a good opportunity to teach your children about death.

Stephen A. Smith Collects Another Paycheck

February 11, 2010

If you didn’t read the internet papers today, you may have missed Stephen A. Smith’s latest oeuvre.

Stephen’s argument boils down to:

For:

He also offers this bulletproof argument:

McNabb, for all his flaws, is still one of the best quarterbacks in the game. He’s still a playmaker, someone opposing defenses have to plan to stop. Let Celek say what he will about Kolb’s potential. But talk to me once Kolb becomes a No. 1 option someday.

Maybe I’ll care.

Bam!

Stephen doesn’t need to substantiate anything.  There’s also no reason for him to shed any light on what exactly McNabb’s flaws are.  The burning question remains, exactly what would make Stephen A. Smith care?

If you ask, I’m sure Stephen A. would yell the answer at you.

Breaking-er News: Eagles Fire People

January 14, 2010

Earlier today, the Eagles announced the firing of special teams coordinator Ted Daisher and strength and conditioning coach Mike Wolf.

After an underwhelming year and a carousel of kick returners, this isn’t shocking.  Reid seemed visibly pissed in the regular season finale when the special teams had to burn a time out for not having enough men on the field, thus marking the first time in NFL history the Eagles were unprepared and to burn a timeout (scientific fact).

Hopefully this ushers in a new era of accountability (for everyone besides Reid).

Daisher will be replaced by Buffalo special teams coordinator Bobby April.  Buffalo has had very good special teams the past few years and with a name like Bobby April, we can only assume he is either a cartoon gangster or cast member of Jersey Boys.

If Sav Rocca isn't more consistent, he'll be sleeping with fishes...on the bench, assuming they have fish on the bench and Sav Rocca is allowed to sleep on the sidelines

Posts To Resume Shortly

January 14, 2010

In his defense, it looks like the computer is attacking him

I spent the last 4 months painstakingly creating this image instead of sharing my profound thoughts on Philly sports, now that I finished my masterpiece expect daily-ish updates.   Luckily not that much happened.

Bob Ford, American Humorist

September 22, 2009

FORD-sm1Move over Jeff Dunham, Inquirer sports reporter Bob Ford is busting out his comedy chops!

Ford’s comedic odyssey hit the internet earlier this afternoon on his Post Patterns blog.

Knowing the average Philadelphia sports fan is tired of generic old NFL power rankings, Ford decided to write his in the voice of the recently incarcerated Plaxico Burress.

Ford successfully strikes a delicate balance between creating something entirely devoid of jokes yet full of “blackspeak”.

Here’s a a sampler platter of our modern day Mark Twain and my attempt to dissect the layered humor:

2. Pittsburgh Steelers — Lost to the Bears, but it’ll be a while before they lose again. Like Week 12 in Baltimore? Hope I got TV privileges for that one.

-Plaxico Burress’s main concern will be watching Steelers games while in prison, not his pregnant wife or getting out of prison.

6. Indianapolis Colts — The dude that waves his hands around caught up with some cat named Unitas. Beats me, too.

-Why would Plaxico Burress have heard of Johnny Unitas?  He was probably too busy shooting himself and being black.

10. Minnesota Vikings — Give the ball to Purple Jesus and get out of the damn way.
-Did Adrian Peterson start a cult?  Someone should tell the government, if they up take arms, this could have a tragic ending.

13. New York Jets — J-E-T-S, Jets. I might beleive, but not quite Y-E-T, yet.
-Get this man a Pulitzer.

15. Houston Texans — All gun, no bullets, as we say in the club.

-No one has ever said this in the history of clubs.

16. Green Bay Packers — Cheese puffs. I just see me some Cheese puffs

-Notice the employment of the informal “me”, what an ear for dialogue.

28. Tampa Bay Bucs — Guess Grudoggie Dog wasn’t the problem, check?

-Is this a Snoop Dogg reference?  Check?

32. St. Louis Rams — Can’t score in women’s prison with a pack of cigarettes.

-Women fuck each other for cigarettes in prison

Bob might want to team up with Joe Conklin and record a funny song.  May I suggest “Plaxy’s Got A Gun”, sign Steven Tyler up, he’s also unintentionally hilarious.

plax tom wolfe

Check back next week for Ford’s satire of the Donte Stallworth murder.

BREAKING NEWS – MACLIN SIGNS!

August 4, 2009
Actual photo taken minutes ago, no word if this condition is permanent

Actual photo taken minutes ago, no word if this condition is permanent

The impasse has finally ended and Jeremy Maclin will start making up for lost time at training camp tomorrow barring any catastrophe (Flight Night II?).

We’ve just read the terms of the contract and I hope you look at the computer sitting down because you are about to read the most substantial amount of dollars that any human has made for playing a sport professionally:

$15.5 million.

For.

5.

Years.

The greedy bastard won in the end.  Maclin completely devastated their salary cap.  The Eagles will most likely have to jettison the contracts of Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson, and Jon Dorenbos to be under.

Agents everywhere have called Jim Steiner to congratulate him on this historical negotiation.

Here’s hoping that Maclin will be able to catch a football with his gold-plated gloves and the custom helmet he is having constructed entirely of blood diamonds.

Draft Fever: The Millionth Mock Draft

April 25, 2009

After many weeks of research, studying tape, reviewing wing span and shuttle run times, capped off by a trip to the combine in Indy, I bring you my 3rd annual, definitive mock draft.  I fucking love the draft, plain and simple. However, I am almost constantly disappointed by our beloved Eagles. I wish i could tell you it’s going to be different this year, but i am sure it won’t be.

If you’re asking yourself, who doesn’t get excited about trading out of the first round…………..me. It’s fucking agonizing.  Anyway, here you go:

If Stafford sucks, he could always go into Strongest Man competitions

If Stafford sucks, he could always go into Strongest Man competitions

1. Detroit Lions- Matthew Stafford, QB- Georgia

2. St Louis Rams- Jason Smith, LT – Baylor

3. KC Chiefs – Aaron Curry, LB – Wake Forest

4. Seattle Seahawks – Eugene Monroe, LT – Virginia

5. Cleveland Browns (adios Braylon Edwards) – Michael Crabtree, WR – Texas Tech

6. Cincinnati Bengals – BJ Raji, DT – Boston College

7. Oakland Raiders – Jeremy Maclin, WR – Missouri

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (I’m guessing they will trade out) – Mark “Dirty” Sanchez, QB – USC

9. Green Bay Packers – Brian Orapko, DE/OLB – Texas (this guy is fucking ridiculously huge, like Latimer in “The Program”)

10. SF 49ers – Aaron Maybin, DE/OLB – Another JoePa NFL bust

11. Buffalo Bills – Andre Smith, LT – Alabama

12. Denver Broncos – Tyson Jackson, DE – LSU

13. Washington Redskins – Michael Oher, LT – Ole Miss

14. New Orleans Saints – Chris Wells, RB – one of Tressel’s thugs

15. Houston Texans (I still forget they are an NFL team) – Brian Cushing, LB – USC

16. San Diego Charges – Knowshon Moreno, RB – he should be the eagles pick but they will have to move up.

17. NY Jets – Ray “the Samoan Ray Lewis” Maleuga, MLB

18. Denver Broncos – Malcolm Jenkins – The Overrated Ohio State University

19. Tampa Bay Buccaners – Josh Freeman, QB – Kansas State (will be one of the biggest busts in this draft)

20. Detroit Lions – Eben Britton, LT – Arizona

21. Eagles – Donald Brown, RB – UConn (not making me too excited)

22. Minnesota Vikings – Darius Hayward-Bay, WR – maryland (a huge bust; anyone remember Troy Williamson. this guy had 42 catches last year for the season)

23. NE Patriots – Clay Matthews, Jr, LB – USC

24. Atlanta Falcons – Robert Ayers, DE – Tennessee

25. Miami Dolphins – Everette Brown, DE/OLB – FSU

26. Baltimore Ravens – Kenny Britt, WR – Rutgers

27. Colts – Perria Jerry, DT, Ole Miss

28. Buffalo Bills – Brandon Pettigrew, TE – Oklahoma State (would like to see him in midnight green next year)

29. NY Giants – Hakeem Nicks, WR – UNC

30. Tennessee Titans – Darius Butler, CB – UConn

31. Arizona Cardinals – Ziggy Hood, DT – Missouri

32. Steelers – Alex Mack, C – Cal

EAGLES’ FRONT OFFICE DISREGARDS HUMAN BEINGS, THIS IS NOT NEWS

March 9, 2009
Forty million, one hundred thousand and twenty five cents, twenty six cents, oops I lost my place.  Need to start over!

Forty million, one hundred thousand and twenty five cents, twenty six cents, oops I lost my place. Need to start over, this is a lot of pennies!

Though seemingly unconcerned, the Eagles organization has had its share of bad publicity over the past few weeks.  By letting fan favorite Brian Dawkins become a Bronco, the front office faced a deluge of animosity.  The anger hasn’t quite subsided but  the team made an effort to address their loss with the signing of Sean Jones.  However, ” gonzo journalist” John Gonzalez dropped another bombshell this morning when his story about a handicapped former stadium employee hit the presses.

Long story short: Dan Leone worked at the Linc, wasn’t happy with the Dawkins deal and posted “Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver. . .Dam Eagles R Retarted!!” on facebook, management saw it and fired him.  Though you can argue the legitimacy behind Dan Leone’s (who suffers from a neurological disorder) termination, it was just another chapter in the Eagles’ “We don’t care how bad this makes us look” attitude.  The argument can be made that an employee should know better than to badmouth their employer in a public forum, the argument can also be made that a professional football team should have higher priorities than scanning a low level employee’s facebook pages.

We recovered an internal memo from the Eagles’ PR team and found these other shocking decisions:

-The Eagles first home game will be a “Salary Cap Celebration” and children under 14 will receive 40 complimentary bottle caps, representing the millions of dollars the Eagles have remained under the cap.

-The Eagles will actually burn an effigy of Brian Dawkins on the 50 yard line right before the Eagles play the Broncos.

-The Eagles are currently removing any handicap access to any of their facilities to cut costs, though it may be argued that removing already built ramps and elevators would cost more money.

-The final home game will culminate the season in an event called “Fuck The Fans”, where there will be no tailgating or parking within 10 miles of the stadium.  Fans will also be forced to buy a $300 set of commemorative plates with Joe Banner’s face on them to gain entry to the stadium.

Eagles D End Trent Cole Might Be Part Frog

December 8, 2008

Trent Cole came up with a huge special teams play yesterday when he was able to leap over the Giants line of scrimmage and block a 47 yard field goal attempt by John Carney.   The play was a remarkable display of athleticism and there have been several theories presented as to how Cole, a human being, was able to do this:

1. Trent Cole is Frog Suit Mario.

Photo taken as Cole leaps over Jay Alford

Photo taken as Cole leaped over Jay Alford

 2. The Eagles paid former Nittany Lion Lavar Arrington $50 to wear Trent Cole’s uniform for that particular play because he’s excellent at leaping over lineman and being constantly injured. 

3. Jay Alford and Trent Cole are working on a vaudeville routine together under the working title “Jay’s Out Cole.”  

Video evidence:

Reid Has Swoop Ask McNabb To Shut Door, Draft Was Getting In

November 25, 2008
Swoop is allegedly the Eagles' mascot

Swoop is allegedly the Eagles' mascot

While studying film of the Arizona Cardinal defense earlier this afternoon, Andy Reid was chilled to the bone and noticed that the door to his office was open.  Reid then spotted 10 year veteran Donovan McNabb standing outside studying his playbook. 

Unable to any longer communicate directly with McNabb , Reid began to slam his foot to attract his attention.  When it became clear that this wasn’t working, Reid began to try to make that whistle noise with a blade of grass.  Reid quickly realized he had never mastered the art and began looking through his Rolodex to find someone who would approach McNabb for him.  After reaching several voice-mails, Reid eventually contacted mascot Swoop who arrived and performed a lame jig while flapping his wings towards the door. 

McNabb eventually closed the door on his own accord, never quite figuring out what Swoop was trying to tell him or who Swoop was.