Archive for the ‘phillies’ Category

SI’s GM Rankings

March 5, 2010

SI’s Tim Marchman posted this gem earlier today.

In his ranking of MLB GM’s, he has three AL East teams in the top four.  Tampa Bay’s Andrew Friedman is pretty good at what he does and has reached the postseason approximately once.  Epstein and Cashman have the benefit of Scrooge McDuck vaults to spend.  I could be as good as Cashman at my job if I had unlimited resources and the ability to sign Sabathia, Burnett, and Teixeira in the same off-season.  Anything less than a World Series victory would have been an embarrassment.

I immediately discredit any ranking that features Billy Beane in the top 10.  This isn’t 2007 anymore, the A’s have sucked for a few years now.

Ruben Amaro Jr. comes in a distant 19th.  Admittedly he doesn’t have a complete body of work from which to judge and the Ibanez signing could, as soon as this year, be proven a questionable move but Marchman had this to say:

I honestly have no idea how to rate Amaro. One pennant in one year is a nice record, and having landed two of baseball’s five best pitchers — Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee — in trade within a few months is even better given that these were moves he alone gets credit for. On the other hand the truly strange trade sending Lee to Seattle and the odd, if so far successful, decision to sign 37-year-old designated hitter-masquerading-as-an-outfielder Raul Ibanez to a long-term contract have to count heavily against him.

How exactly does it count heavily against him?  I can only assume Epstein or Cashman would have been lauded as geniuses for getting such a dominant half season out of an aging outfielder.  Too bad we didn’t sign Milton Bradley to lose his mind and call us all racist, like the “16th best GM” Jim Hendry.

Marchman has also fallen under the Mariners’ spell, ranking second year GM Jack Zduriencik the fifth best in baseball.   A light hitting, defensive minded lineup with a great 1-2 and no other pitchers is a foolproof formula for American League success!

Placido Polanco hits for average and Jose Contreras will be adequate!

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Ken Burns Presents: The 2010 Phillies

February 25, 2010

If this series of photos is any indication, the Phillies are ready for the battle of Antietam.

Double check Moyer’s birth certificate to make sure he isn’t actually William Tecumseh Sherman.

Jayson Werth is the CEO of beards


Park Signs With Yankees

February 22, 2010

Chan Ho Park signed with the Yankees over the weekend for less than the Phillies offered.

Park had a great year after moving to the bullpen but still strangely insisted on starting.

From South Korea, Park said, “I have chosen the Yankees, a prestigious team that can advance to the World Series again.

We can only assume the Yankees took Park to the Times Square Bubba Gump Shrimp in a limo with the magician movie The Prestige playing.  Because that my friends is the very definition of prestigious.

Here’s hoping ridding themselves of Park will have an Abreu-esque effect.  The Abreu Effect would translate into the Phillies winning the World Series, the Yankees losing during the playoffs and Chan Ho Park having a weird resurgence with hollow numbers.

The Abreu Effect is among the greatest mysteries of humanity

Mets Already Talking

February 19, 2010

Mets ace Johan Santana fired the first salvo of the 2010 season yesterday.

When asked to name the best pitcher in the NL East, he replied, “Santana.”

Santana continued, “Smooth is perfect, Roy Halladay wishes he could write such an infectious pop song.”

Johan was undeterred after learning the Mets hadn’t actually signed Carlos Santana. He resumed listening to Smooth on his Microsoft Zune and then tore his rotator cuff and larynx viciously playing air guitar and screaming the lyrics.

The Mets’ anthem:

Mets Not Dead Yet

January 22, 2010

The Mets lost the Joel Pineiro sweepstakes but are still determined to remain slightly competitive.

Following Carlos Beltran’s super secret, possibly illegal surgery, the Mets were stuck with Angel Pagan in center and realized that might not be a great idea.  The Wilpons, desperate to have another past his prime player, shocked no one when they signed Gary Matthews Jr. earlier today.

The Angels even agreed to pay “most of the two years and $23 million remaining on Matthews’ contract with the Angels.”

Expect the Mets to sign Matthews to a 6 year $114 million extension.

Don't bury them just yet, Jim Edmonds is still out there!

Phillies Sign Brandon Duckworth To Minor League Dry Wall Contract

January 19, 2010

The Phillies signed former starting pitcher Brandon Duckworth to a minor-league contract last week.

Duckworth hasn’t pitched in the majors since 2008.  He will provide minor league depth and also lend a hand in renovating the Amaro’s  vacation home in Naples, Florida.

When reached for comment, Duckworth said, “I just wanted to play and spackle for a winner.”

Duckworth could be an invaluable veteran presence in the minors and comes much cheaper than local Florida contractors.

Duckworth is thrilled to strike out a pest infestation in the Amaro home

Lidge “Upbeat After Surgery”

January 14, 2010

Breaking news: Brad Lidge’s agent Rex Gary (a real person)  reports Brad is very upbeat after his recent knee surgery.

Good to know Lidge is not depressed after surgery or dead.

Also thank you Brad Lidge for not getting super secret Carlos Beltran surgery.

Besides, pitcher’s don’t throw with their knees, I’m sure this nagging injury won’t raise his ERA a point above 7.21 next year……

Lidge elated to get multiple knee surgeries

Posts To Resume Shortly

January 14, 2010

In his defense, it looks like the computer is attacking him

I spent the last 4 months painstakingly creating this image instead of sharing my profound thoughts on Philly sports, now that I finished my masterpiece expect daily-ish updates.   Luckily not that much happened.

Phillies = Mets (For Now)

June 26, 2009

For at least the last two weeks, the tables have turned.

Though clinging to a half game lead, the Phillies have become painful to watch.  It used to be that you could count them in every game until they decided to start phoning it in.  And you couldn’t blame J-Roll for this one.  Charlie decided to bench Rollins and led off with Victorino who provided a listless 0-4 at the top of the order.

In true Mets fashion, a night after Rollins forgot how slow Pat Burrell was after watching him attempt to run for over a decade, Pedro Feliz picked up the mental lapse slack and “forgot how many outs there were.”

Oh and let’s make another deal, Matt Stairs never plays in the field again.  Ever.

On the other hand up in Flushing, a scrappy bunch of nobodies missing the majority of their best players took two from the Cardinals and head into this weekend’s subway series with a little bit of momentum.  The David Wright & Random Bunch of Latin Players I’ve Never Heard Of Show refuses to go away in what should have been a great opportunity for the Phils to leave the Mets in their rearview.  At this point, I expect the Mets to sign Miguel Cairo by next weekend and he’ll hit at least two walk offs.

Not having Ibaenez in the order doesn’t exactly equate with missing Reyes, Delgado, and Beltran.   I can go on a tirade about how each player is overrated but how would the Phillies be without Ibaenez, Howard AND Utley?  I don’t think the Eric Bruntlett/Greg Dobbs duo would strike fear in opposing pitchers/hit above .3oo combined.

Rheal "Tachner"

Rheal "Taschner"

With a starting rotation consisting of two and a half legitimate starters at the moment, could be a good time for Amaro to get some help or call up Drabek.  Also if starters can’t make it out of the third inning, they should be replaced by pitching machines through the sixth inning.  It would give the bullpen a rest and maybe the pitching machine could have an ERA under 7.

Admittedly, this could just be the typical Phillies slump but this hurts worse than normal.  Lidge is back (who knows what condition he’s in) and Eyre should be off the DL shortly so we can end the Tachsner horror show.  Could someone check medical records to make sure Taschner isn’t actually Rheal Cormier using an alias?

For now we can go back to hoping Luis Castillo drops several pop ups this weekend.  And oh yea, the Marlins are a game behind, nothing to worry about there……

The Phillies usually play their best with their backs against the wall so maybe they should just forfeit the next week and come back 5 games behind, hungry and ready to play baseball properly.

Rollins Spots Rays First Out A Day Before Game

June 25, 2009
Jimmy will be performing with his Dru Hill tribute band tomorrow instead of batting

Jimmy will be performing with his Dru Hill tribute band tomorrow instead of batting

Jimmy Rollins has already agreed to spot Rays’ starter Andy Sonnanstine the first out in tomorrow’s rubber match.

When asked how this should be reflected in the box score Rollins said, “I popped out.”

Rollins then went on to say, “Might as well put me down for an error in the, let’s say 6th inning.  I’m going to throw my glove at a fly ball.”

When asked whether he would further stand Rollins’ insubordination, Charlie Manuel said, “Jimmy’s being honest.  There’s no way he’s getting on base tomorrow.  As long as he get to the game on time and at least jogs when he pops out, my hands are tied.”

Manuel was asked what Rollins would need to do to be moved out of lead off spot.

After thinking long and hard, Charlie said, “Jimmy would  have to literally murder Chase Utley.”

And with no further explanation, Manuel returned to blowing on a jug with the rest of his Country Bears.

Manuel tries to explain to Christopher Walken why he won't leadoff with Victorino

Manuel tries to explain to Christopher Walken why he won't leadoff with Victorino