Posts Tagged ‘andy reid’

Stephen A. Smith Yell-Writes Again

March 25, 2010

I opened the internet papers (or I-papes) this morning to see if there were any updates on the rumored McNabb trade and found the latest Stephen A. diatribe.   If you don’t want to damage your eyes/ears by reading it, Stephen thinks the Eagles treatment of McNabb has been “disgraceful.”

Smith says, “It’s fine that the Eagles are contemplating moving on. But McNabb’s failures are connected at the hip with Reid’s. They were supposed to be in this together. But the way the Eagles have conducted this process lacks so much sensitivity, it’s offensive to hear Reid say, “We’re evaluating things,” as if Reid shouldn’t evaluate himself.

Of course Reid should evaluate himself and his well documented deficiencies but after receiving a contract extension, Reid ain’t going to fire himself.  Per Smith, Reid and McNabb should The Hours-style Virginia Woolf themselves together (translation: put large rocks in their pockets and sink into a river, preferably while not knowing how much time is left in a game).

The irony of the situation is the Eagles may have shot themselves in the foot by overvaluing all their quarterbacks, including McNabb.

But not according to Smith:

Instead, they are considering throwing McNabb and his 32,873 career passing yards out like trash.

Word has it Reid is  going to throw over 30,000 yards of twine into a garbage can to symbolize McNabb’s failure. 

McNabb has not been perfect, to be sure. Too many throws have been too low, too high or too hard. He hasn’t always come through under pressure. But there’s something to be said for getting the Eagles in position, for keeping them relevant, for being class personified along the way.

So Smith admits McNabb’s flaws but demands the Eagles not trade him because he’s won several “relevant” and “classy guy” awards for the organization.  McNabb by all accounts seems like a decent human and there’s no grave dancing here if he’s traded but he’s had over ten years to accomplish something he didn’t.

It’s unconscionable, classless, weak – and too ridiculous for McNabb to deal with any longer.

It is indeed unconscionable to trade a quarterback in the NFL, it’s literally never happened before.   McNabb should be quarterback for life.  His good guy-ness should allow him to start until he chooses to retire or dies, Supreme Court style.

Breaking-er News: Eagles Fire People

January 14, 2010

Earlier today, the Eagles announced the firing of special teams coordinator Ted Daisher and strength and conditioning coach Mike Wolf.

After an underwhelming year and a carousel of kick returners, this isn’t shocking.  Reid seemed visibly pissed in the regular season finale when the special teams had to burn a time out for not having enough men on the field, thus marking the first time in NFL history the Eagles were unprepared and to burn a timeout (scientific fact).

Hopefully this ushers in a new era of accountability (for everyone besides Reid).

Daisher will be replaced by Buffalo special teams coordinator Bobby April.  Buffalo has had very good special teams the past few years and with a name like Bobby April, we can only assume he is either a cartoon gangster or cast member of Jersey Boys.

If Sav Rocca isn't more consistent, he'll be sleeping with fishes...on the bench, assuming they have fish on the bench and Sav Rocca is allowed to sleep on the sidelines

BREAKING NEWS – MACLIN SIGNS!

August 4, 2009
Actual photo taken minutes ago, no word if this condition is permanent

Actual photo taken minutes ago, no word if this condition is permanent

The impasse has finally ended and Jeremy Maclin will start making up for lost time at training camp tomorrow barring any catastrophe (Flight Night II?).

We’ve just read the terms of the contract and I hope you look at the computer sitting down because you are about to read the most substantial amount of dollars that any human has made for playing a sport professionally:

$15.5 million.

For.

5.

Years.

The greedy bastard won in the end.  Maclin completely devastated their salary cap.  The Eagles will most likely have to jettison the contracts of Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson, and Jon Dorenbos to be under.

Agents everywhere have called Jim Steiner to congratulate him on this historical negotiation.

Here’s hoping that Maclin will be able to catch a football with his gold-plated gloves and the custom helmet he is having constructed entirely of blood diamonds.

EAGLES’ FRONT OFFICE DISREGARDS HUMAN BEINGS, THIS IS NOT NEWS

March 9, 2009
Forty million, one hundred thousand and twenty five cents, twenty six cents, oops I lost my place.  Need to start over!

Forty million, one hundred thousand and twenty five cents, twenty six cents, oops I lost my place. Need to start over, this is a lot of pennies!

Though seemingly unconcerned, the Eagles organization has had its share of bad publicity over the past few weeks.  By letting fan favorite Brian Dawkins become a Bronco, the front office faced a deluge of animosity.  The anger hasn’t quite subsided but  the team made an effort to address their loss with the signing of Sean Jones.  However, ” gonzo journalist” John Gonzalez dropped another bombshell this morning when his story about a handicapped former stadium employee hit the presses.

Long story short: Dan Leone worked at the Linc, wasn’t happy with the Dawkins deal and posted “Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver. . .Dam Eagles R Retarted!!” on facebook, management saw it and fired him.  Though you can argue the legitimacy behind Dan Leone’s (who suffers from a neurological disorder) termination, it was just another chapter in the Eagles’ “We don’t care how bad this makes us look” attitude.  The argument can be made that an employee should know better than to badmouth their employer in a public forum, the argument can also be made that a professional football team should have higher priorities than scanning a low level employee’s facebook pages.

We recovered an internal memo from the Eagles’ PR team and found these other shocking decisions:

-The Eagles first home game will be a “Salary Cap Celebration” and children under 14 will receive 40 complimentary bottle caps, representing the millions of dollars the Eagles have remained under the cap.

-The Eagles will actually burn an effigy of Brian Dawkins on the 50 yard line right before the Eagles play the Broncos.

-The Eagles are currently removing any handicap access to any of their facilities to cut costs, though it may be argued that removing already built ramps and elevators would cost more money.

-The final home game will culminate the season in an event called “Fuck The Fans”, where there will be no tailgating or parking within 10 miles of the stadium.  Fans will also be forced to buy a $300 set of commemorative plates with Joe Banner’s face on them to gain entry to the stadium.

Reid Has Swoop Ask McNabb To Shut Door, Draft Was Getting In

November 25, 2008
Swoop is allegedly the Eagles' mascot

Swoop is allegedly the Eagles' mascot

While studying film of the Arizona Cardinal defense earlier this afternoon, Andy Reid was chilled to the bone and noticed that the door to his office was open.  Reid then spotted 10 year veteran Donovan McNabb standing outside studying his playbook. 

Unable to any longer communicate directly with McNabb , Reid began to slam his foot to attract his attention.  When it became clear that this wasn’t working, Reid began to try to make that whistle noise with a blade of grass.  Reid quickly realized he had never mastered the art and began looking through his Rolodex to find someone who would approach McNabb for him.  After reaching several voice-mails, Reid eventually contacted mascot Swoop who arrived and performed a lame jig while flapping his wings towards the door. 

McNabb eventually closed the door on his own accord, never quite figuring out what Swoop was trying to tell him or who Swoop was. 

Joe Banner says “How Hard Can It Be To Get This Offense Going?”

November 25, 2008
LJ demonstrates his blocking technique

LJ demonstrates his blocking technique

In yet another cost saving move by the Eagles front office, the self proclaimed “gold standard”, Joe Banner, will take over as the offensive coordinator this week.  Marty Mornigwheg will coach the special teams.  In an interesting twist,  Rory Segrist , the Eagles’ Special Teams coach, was asked to take an unpaid leave given the current financial crisis that the Eagles’ are enduring this year.  It should be noted that the Eagles are only 10 million under the cap this year versus 16 million last year. Given how the organization operates, John Harbaugh, Segrist’s former boss, was asked by Eagles brass to notify Segrist that he would be on an unpaid leave this week.

Banner sees this as an opportunity to get out of the luxury box and to mingle with the common folk.  Unfortunately, just as Mornigwheg before him, Coach Reid will maintain his play-calling duties leaving Banner, like many other Eagles, unsure of what his role will be.  Banner applauded Andy Reid for his skill in talent evaluation by stating, “we have signed and started more undrafted free agents than any team in the NFL during Coach Reid’s tenure.”  In fact, Coach Reid appears to have more luck with undrafted free agents than in the first or second round of the draft.  As a result, the Eagles are said to be seriously considering trading all of their draft picks in this year’s draft for future picks.  It’s sort of like what the Saints did to get Ricky Williams, only the complete opposite.  When asked about this, Tom Heckert so eloquently stated, “Why would we change our strategy.  First round picks are expensive and we feel that we can get first round talent in the second round at a second round salary.”  Banner and Heckert then shared a hi-five.

Reid Reveals Two-Headed Quarterback Strategy, Calls It Wilder Cats

November 24, 2008
McNabb mentors Kolb, suggesting he never learn 2 minute offense

McNabb mentors Kolb, suggests he never learn 2 minute offense

Coach Reid quelled any doubt as to who would start against the Cardinals on Thursday when he announced that Donovan McNabb would resume his role as starter.  He then insisted that Kevin Kolb would also be on the field for every offensive snap. 

When questioned whether this was legal / a good idea, Reid said, “I just have to do a better job of putting my guys in a position to succeed, often the positions I put them in are unnatural to their traditional roles and make it much easier to stop our one dimensional offense.”

When informed of Reid’s decision, McNabb clapped ( it was uncertain whether he was being supportive or sarcastic) and said, “Coach knows best, that’s why I’m not the coach.  I just hope to play a few downs at center.”

Reid said he wasn’t exactly sure how he would rotate the two but insisted neither would play fullback.  That role was awarded to tight end LJ Smith.

Reid also hinted that Mcnabb and Kolb may play with one standing on the other’s shoulders, wearing a #45 jersey that reads “McKolb”