Posts Tagged ‘futility’

Where’s The Fire Sale?

February 17, 2010

As Thursday’s NBA trade deadline approaches, there’s finally a reason to talk about the Sixers!

We’d love to see a fire sale considering there are no building blocks.  Young core?  Thaddeus Young has regressed, Marreese Speights and Lou Williams are allergic to defense but there’s always Royal Ivey.

Rebuild around Ivey and Primoz Brezec!

There’s nothing like blowing the whole thing up to escape the void of mediocrity the Sixers seem to find more comfortable than a pair of stained sweatpants.

Then we read this.

Ed Stefasnki will only make a move that makes “basketball sense.”

So no to Tracy McGrady’s expiring contract or Amare Stoudemire.   Stefanski would have to admit he’s made a chain reaction of decisions that make less sense than and were worse the movie Chain Reaction.

There is no other way in the NBA to get better than completely suck for awhile and either sign a slam dunk free agent a la Garnett or draft LeBron James.

The Sixers front office are the anti-Phillies.  Every move they make is the absolute worst.

They have succeeded in making professional basketball obsolete in Philadelphia:

The new Sixers marketing campaign should be:

We can barely trick 500 more people than the Nets to attend our home games!  PRINCETON OFFENSE 4EVER!


Rollins Spots Rays First Out A Day Before Game

June 25, 2009
Jimmy will be performing with his Dru Hill tribute band tomorrow instead of batting

Jimmy will be performing with his Dru Hill tribute band tomorrow instead of batting

Jimmy Rollins has already agreed to spot Rays’ starter Andy Sonnanstine the first out in tomorrow’s rubber match.

When asked how this should be reflected in the box score Rollins said, “I popped out.”

Rollins then went on to say, “Might as well put me down for an error in the, let’s say 6th inning.  I’m going to throw my glove at a fly ball.”

When asked whether he would further stand Rollins’ insubordination, Charlie Manuel said, “Jimmy’s being honest.  There’s no way he’s getting on base tomorrow.  As long as he get to the game on time and at least jogs when he pops out, my hands are tied.”

Manuel was asked what Rollins would need to do to be moved out of lead off spot.

After thinking long and hard, Charlie said, “Jimmy would  have to literally murder Chase Utley.”

And with no further explanation, Manuel returned to blowing on a jug with the rest of his Country Bears.

Manuel tries to explain to Christopher Walken why he won't leadoff with Victorino

Manuel tries to explain to Christopher Walken why he won't leadoff with Victorino


May 21, 2009

With yet another early exit still fresh in their minds, Stefanski and the front office have begun to interview anyone and everyone that has ever coached organized basketball.   Here’s a list of coaches that have been interviewed so far:

Eddie Jordan – assistant during Stefanski’s time in New Jersey, head coach of the Wizards (the best basketball squadron ever assembled) and boasts a career record of 230-288. He won a championship when he was on the 1982 Lakers so I guess that means he can knows what it feels like to get past the second round of the playoffs?

The Verdict: Stefanski might hire him because they’ve worked together and he’s still under contract with the Wizards and is owed like $4 million so maybe he’d just coach for the love of mediocre basketball.   Maybe Eddie Jordan was just sick of all the fat cats in DC and all the politics of ah coaching and um, he kind of sucks. 

Now with 100% more skull!

Now with 38% more skull!

Tom Thibodeau –  Coached under John Lucas for the Sixers (yay?), “Defensive specialist”.  I honestly know nothing about him except that he looks like Seth Meyers with extra head added.  People also  seem to think he created the concept of defense in sports.

The Verdict: If this guy did in fact invent defense, they should probably hire him.  Teams would score a lot of points without his creation.

Kurt Rambis – Hey remember this guy from the Lakers in the 80s?  He was hi-lar-ious!  Rec Specs more like Yes Specs!   As in, yes they are very funny.   Rambis has been an assistant coach in LA for a few years now and seems ready to take over a team.

The Verdict: Rambis played a basketball coach on an episode of Seventh Heaven and appeared in Married With Children?   Ed Snider, are you reading this?  Obviously you are.  Hire this superstar. 

He seems like a nice man

He seems like a nice man

Dwayne Casey – An assistant coach for the Mavericks and former head coach of the Twolves (after Kevin McHale) where he compiled a 43-59 record.

The Verdict: Who?  No seriously, who is this human being?  The Sixers will obviously hire him.

Now that we’ve gotten the actual candidates out of the way, here are my suggestions:

Allen Iverson – Many Sixers fans fondly remember Iverson and his incredibly overated career.   Let’s bring him back and allow him to immediately ban practicing (Practice?!?! Remember that!).  Only assholes like Tim Duncan and Lebron James actually try to improve at basketball!   The team would also stop playing defense and shoot constantly but at least they’d be referred to as “scrappy.”  They would also have one offensive play, which would be an iso for Lou Williams, who would average at least 50 attempts per game.



The Chief from Carmen Sandiego – Her no nonsense approach would pay immediate dividends for the Sixer’s young core.  The Chief would have little patience for Dalembert’s mental lapses and could prove to be invaluable in the continuing maturation of Mareese Speights.  Theo Ratliff could also learn where Laos is located on a map.

Hip Hop –  Hey, people referred to Pat Croce as a mascot so why not hire the literal mascot?  He could coach this team to lose in the first round of the East for eternity and if the NBA ever switched over to Slamball, they’d have the ideal trampo-dunk instructor.