Posts Tagged ‘sixers’

Stephen A. Smith Is A Miserable Person

June 3, 2010

Stephen A. Smith hates Philadelphia.  No, he really does.  In a Sartre-esque twist, writing about Philadelphia sports for the Philadelphia Inquirer is the only work Stephen A. Smith can get.

Hell is being forced to write about the Sixers and Eagles.

Smith’s latest phoned in column accuses Philadelphia of hating Kobe Bryant.

Do we hate Kobe?

Of course we do.  If you didn’t notice, he’s kind of an enormous dick.

Stephen A. continues to chum the water by making statements like:

You would think with such lofty credentials there would be a statue standing somewhere, on some street corner, perhaps near City Hall, paying homage to Kobe Bryant – the greatest champion to ever come out of a place known for its associations with anything but.

OK?  Make sure to put it next to the statue of Kevin Eubanks.

More  Stephen A. Logic:

Those same folks would rather point to the fact that Bryant was raised in Italy during his formative years instead of recalling that he was born in Philadelphia. They’d rather question his street credibility because he starred in the suburbs of Lower Merion than appreciate how his game transcended the streets.

Screw Kobe and the fact that he didn’t live in the greater Philadelphia area for all of his formative years!  He cannot call himself a true Pennsylvanian!
I do question Bryant’s street credibility constantly.  I only respect basketball players who were homeless and literally raised by an inner city street.   And can you believe he’s never been shot with a gun?  Some kind of basketballer he is!
So we boo Kobe Bryant, who cares?  Sorry we can’t all be such stalwarts of appreciation and sportsmanship, Stephen.
We don’t like losing championships.  Especially to dicks like Kobe.
We also like our hearts and would rather not have them cut out.



May 21, 2009

With yet another early exit still fresh in their minds, Stefanski and the front office have begun to interview anyone and everyone that has ever coached organized basketball.   Here’s a list of coaches that have been interviewed so far:

Eddie Jordan – assistant during Stefanski’s time in New Jersey, head coach of the Wizards (the best basketball squadron ever assembled) and boasts a career record of 230-288. He won a championship when he was on the 1982 Lakers so I guess that means he can knows what it feels like to get past the second round of the playoffs?

The Verdict: Stefanski might hire him because they’ve worked together and he’s still under contract with the Wizards and is owed like $4 million so maybe he’d just coach for the love of mediocre basketball.   Maybe Eddie Jordan was just sick of all the fat cats in DC and all the politics of ah coaching and um, he kind of sucks. 

Now with 100% more skull!

Now with 38% more skull!

Tom Thibodeau –  Coached under John Lucas for the Sixers (yay?), “Defensive specialist”.  I honestly know nothing about him except that he looks like Seth Meyers with extra head added.  People also  seem to think he created the concept of defense in sports.

The Verdict: If this guy did in fact invent defense, they should probably hire him.  Teams would score a lot of points without his creation.

Kurt Rambis – Hey remember this guy from the Lakers in the 80s?  He was hi-lar-ious!  Rec Specs more like Yes Specs!   As in, yes they are very funny.   Rambis has been an assistant coach in LA for a few years now and seems ready to take over a team.

The Verdict: Rambis played a basketball coach on an episode of Seventh Heaven and appeared in Married With Children?   Ed Snider, are you reading this?  Obviously you are.  Hire this superstar. 

He seems like a nice man

He seems like a nice man

Dwayne Casey – An assistant coach for the Mavericks and former head coach of the Twolves (after Kevin McHale) where he compiled a 43-59 record.

The Verdict: Who?  No seriously, who is this human being?  The Sixers will obviously hire him.

Now that we’ve gotten the actual candidates out of the way, here are my suggestions:

Allen Iverson – Many Sixers fans fondly remember Iverson and his incredibly overated career.   Let’s bring him back and allow him to immediately ban practicing (Practice?!?! Remember that!).  Only assholes like Tim Duncan and Lebron James actually try to improve at basketball!   The team would also stop playing defense and shoot constantly but at least they’d be referred to as “scrappy.”  They would also have one offensive play, which would be an iso for Lou Williams, who would average at least 50 attempts per game.



The Chief from Carmen Sandiego – Her no nonsense approach would pay immediate dividends for the Sixer’s young core.  The Chief would have little patience for Dalembert’s mental lapses and could prove to be invaluable in the continuing maturation of Mareese Speights.  Theo Ratliff could also learn where Laos is located on a map.

Hip Hop –  Hey, people referred to Pat Croce as a mascot so why not hire the literal mascot?  He could coach this team to lose in the first round of the East for eternity and if the NBA ever switched over to Slamball, they’d have the ideal trampo-dunk instructor.


March 16, 2009
Samuel Dalembert should still never, under any circumstances shoot a 3

Samuel Dalembert should still never, under any circumstances shoot a 3

Last night, the Sixers defeated the Miami Heat 85-77.  Andre Iguodala led the team with 21 points and someone allegedly named “Donyell Marshall” contributed off the bench.  No word yet on who this “Donyell” is (surely he’s not the 35 year old outside shooter Ed Stefanski signed in the offseason) but he wore a jersey with the #8 stitched on and made a few wacky shots, allegedly referred to as “3-pointers.”

Marshall shot 60% from beyond the “three point line”.  Readers, if you’re confused like I am, a three point field goal is worth exactly what the name suggests, three points.  Like the ibex, a successful three point shot can rarely be found in Philadelphia (at least since the departure of Korver last year).

The red hot Sixers are riding a 3 game winning streak which will most likely end when they play the Lakers tomorrow in LA and they can settle back to right around the .500 mark, which fits them like a comfortable pair of sweat pants with a hole in the crotch.


March 9, 2009
How did I get a foul called on me during a timeout?

How did I get a foul called on me during halftime?

Last night, the Sixers went from frustratingly mediocre to embarrassing in an 89-74 loss in Oklahoma City.  Shooting 40% from the field and 60% from the free throw line is how you play basketball when you want to lose to the Oklahoma City Thunder.  Superstar Andre Iguodala shot below 33% and Mr. Useful Sammy Dalembert poured in 0 points.

It was nice to read that instead of attempting to develop any post moves, Dalembert actually likes to shoot threes! Dalembert might as well begin blocking his teammates’ shots and see if he’ll be awarded negative points in the box score.

Did I mention the Thunder were playing without Kevin Durant?  DiLeo’s Sixers had no answer for Russian bloc country Nenad Krstic (who scored 20) and the corpse of Malik Rose, who I swore was either on Comcast or TNT at this point.

But there’s always a silver lining.  While reading ESPN’s Game Notes, I stumbled upon this good news:


Jim Caviezel, Hollywood’s next big thing in the late ’90s went on to star in the controversial Passion of the Christ and be the most remarkable thing about a night that was an insult to the sport of basketball.

Sixers’ Cheeks Still Milking National Anthem Goodwill From 2003

December 1, 2008

With the off season acquisition of Elton Brand, expectations for the Sixers 2008 season were high but with a 7-10 record, things haven’t gone as planned. 

Surprisingly Sixers head coach Mo Cheeks hasn’t come under much scrutiny. 

Cheeks had this to say, “We’re not where we want to be right now but with the Phillies’ championship and the Eagles kind of imploding, it’s really taken a lot of heat and attention away from us.  I bet Andy Reid won’t run much against the Giants, boy doesn’t he like to throw the ball? Also, do you remember when I helped that little girl who forgot the words to the Star Spangled Banner on April 25, 2003?  That was really, really cool of me.” 

Cheeks then said that all the Sixers need is another 4 months to “gel”.  He also blamed the Sixers’ inability to hit threes on the season ending injury to center Jason Smith.